|Gateway drugs: My very first wrestling figures|
|The Eighties were messed up: The dude on the left was my hero at one point. #shame|
The figures themselves were about 7 inches of rubber limbs and wrestling bravado, generally posing they way you’d imagine them on an event poster. Brutus had an arrogant sneer left over from his bad guy days, along with his thumb hooked towards himself, as if to be saying “What has one thumb and will eventually be wrestling’s first hairstylist?” Greg had a pretty standard “Come at me, bro!” stance, and was missing the reversible shin protector that he would soon adopt in the ring. They came with a set of championship belts and were incredibly sturdy. What they lacked in articulation, they made up for in flexibility, allowing you to distort their default poses into almost every wrestling hold, including the dreaded Figure 4 Leglock.
The Figure 4 being the regular finishing maneuver of Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, he’d end just about every match he won by grabbing his opponents legs, interlacing them around his own leg posted in between them, and lock in the painful submission hold. When the Hammer trapped his the dreaded maneuver, his victim would beg and plead for him to release it before eventually submitting to the ref. While I wouldn’t really appreciate him until a few years later, Valentine was one of those old school, ugly, bleach-blonde, wrestlers who excelled at making his flashier opponent look better than he actually was. The kind of beer-fueled brute who would have thrived as a Viking or caveman, but instead never made it much higher than the mid-card.
|Plastic legends: The most recent versions of The Dream Team|